Adolescence: Jekyll or Hyde?

If you are the parent of a teenager, that title probably sounds spot on. Teenagers can be such a study in contrasts from day to day, and even hour to hour. We are all familiar with the famous story of Jekyll and Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson. It's the story of a split personality, the mild-mannered Dr. Jekyll who drinks a potion and becomes the wild, reckless Mr. Hyde. Most parents of teenagers, at one time or another, wonder what happened to their “sweet little boy or girl,” who is now often someone they barely recognize.

Surveys done with parents of teenagers, indicate that the most common areas of concern are: teenagers’ negative attitude and lack of respect for parent, teenager doesn't want to participate in family activities, and fails to comply with parents’ rules. Interestingly, surveys done with teenagers indicate their most common difficulties with parents are: too much parental control, parent doesn't listen or respect my opinion, parent is overprotective and invades my privacy.

Parents often complain that their child is a “moving target.” One day their teen seems ready to accept some adult-like responsibility, and the next day they have regressed to a more childlike state. It's difficult to know which person they are going to encounter at any given time. Emotionally, their teen extends and withdraws invitations for interaction like a bouncing ball, leaving parents feeling hassled in a constant push–pull relationship.

Instead of becoming angry, anxious, or nursing hurt feelings, parents would do well to remember that their teen wants to separate and discover their own identity, and wonders if they can survive the need to push away and become their own person. It's an intense inner struggle with powerful conflicting feelings, that often result in teens sending mixed signals to parents.

Instead of reacting by asserting arbitrary control and repressive restrictions, parents will get further by showing their teen respect and continuing to find positive ways to affirm them. If you're a parent, ask yourself, how would I want to be treated if I were my teen? Be honest with yourself. Are you willing to listen to your teen's point of view, even if it is very different from your own? Are you too controlling? For example are you drawing battle lines over trivial matters such as  clothing, hairstyle or the color of fingernails? Do you allow your child a reasonable degree of privacy?

Teens need both acceptance and correction, but it's important to spend your energy on areas that are truly important, for example, their health and safety. Learn to discuss your expectations with your teen, and always give them your reasons for having those expectations. Although you, of course, have the final say, be prepared to listen respectfully to your child's opinion. Always affirm what you can support in what they are saying. This acknowledges to them that you see their growing wisdom and maturity, which is an all-important validation in their ongoing struggle to find their own identity. It puts you both on the same side of the equation, instead of creating an adversarial relationship.

While Scripture affirms parental authority in the home, it warns parents against excessive criticism and punitive control. “Fathers do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged. Do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” (Colossians 3:21; Ephesians 6:4)

Adolescence is a difficult time, but it doesn't have to be a negative time for either parents or their teens. It can be a time of positive growth for both.

Come join us this Sunday at 9:00 AM or 11:00 AM. Our special guest speaker is Winkie Pratney, an international evangelist and writer from Auckland, New Zealand with a lifetime experience of working with teenagers and young adults.

Through Your Father's Eyes

I remember several things from my childhood about my father. One is that he was an excellent provider. Although he was a pastor, he worked on the side as a dental technician. That additional occupation provided our family a second income and a comfortable standard of living. He was an industrious person and modeled for me the value work. He was also a stickler about time. He always told me, “Che, be prompt and never keep another person waiting. That is the height of disrespect.” I don't think I ever saw my father late to any appointment or event.

I definitely “caught” those two life values from my father. I have always been involved in multiple activities that provide more than one source of income for my family. And I am a very punctual person. I'm never late. In a significant way, the world I now live in, I learned through my father's eyes.

What world did you inherit “through your father's eyes?” I was surprised to discover recently that research on the impact fathers have on their children is a relatively new field. The importance of mothers, of course, has been known for centuries, and much research has been conducted on the influence mothers have on their children. But fathers also make a significant contribution to their children's emotional and psychological health.

Research indicates that mother's interactions with children focus more on nurturing and comforting while fathers tend to stimulate, encourage and challenge their children. Even in infancy, babies whose fathers actively play with them are more confident, bolder and explore their environment more eagerly. Even the stimulating, roughhouse type of play that mothers feel gets children too excited before bedtime, is beneficial to children. Research shows that children engaged in this type of play with their fathers, learn to regulate their feelings and behavior, and over time develop better self-control.

Children whose fathers are actively involved with them as they grow older, display accelerated cognitive development, have higher tested IQs, earn higher grades in school, and go further in their formal education. Starting with simple self-help skills when their children are young, fathers spend more time challenging their children to learn, expecting them to master tasks, and teaching them to be responsible. This influence results in children who are more independent, more motivated to achieve, and have higher self-esteem than children who do not have this type of father input.

Both sons and daughters learn very important things about their role in life and marriage from their fathers. Sons develop an image of what it means to be an adult male who accepts responsibility, is able to make commitments to others and keep them, and treats women with respect and affection. Daughters learn to respect themselves, to know they can make their way in the world, and what qualities to look for in a potential mate.

God understands that we get our view of the world through our father’s eyes. That's why he has taken the role of Heavenly Father for all who will accept His offer of love and salvation through Jesus Christ. He wants to give to each one of us an understanding of who we are through His eyes. We are deeply loved and so highly valued that no price was too dear to restore us to a relationship with Him.

On this Father's Day, if you are a father, realize how incredibly important you are in creating the world your children will live in. And no matter who you are, take a few minutes and see yourself and your world through your Heavenly Father's eyes.

Come join us this Father's Day at 9:00 AM or 11:00 AM. We will be discussing “The Christlike Father,” another in our series, “Christlike Families.”

My Other Half?

We have all heard married people refer to their spouse as “my other half,” or “my better half.” And many single people feel like they are only half a person, waiting to find “their other half.” But is that really true? Are singles only half a person?

Increasingly, more Americans find themselves in the search for “the other half.” There are nearly 97,000,000 unmarried Americans, 61% of whom have never been married before. As a pastor, I've talked with many unmarried people, those who have never married and those who have been previously married. I find that there are 5 very common misconceptions that single people have about their current life situation.

“I can't have a full life without a partner. I need a partner to complete me.” This is probably the single most common misconception I hear. While a partner provides important companionship, no human being can complete us. We find our true identity and fulfillment in life in an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. Jesus told His disciples, “I have come to give you abundant life.” (John 10:10b) We are told in Colossians 2:10: “You have been given fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority.”

“I can't find my life purpose till I find my life partner.”  Many singles put their life literally on hold, feeling they can’t move ahead until they find a marriage partner. But each of us is a unique whole individual to God. And He gives us the assurance that He is working out a destiny that He has prepared for us. (Ephesians 2:10) We can began walking in that destiny as a single person, and enjoy an exciting and meaningful life.

“All the good potential marriage partners are already taken.”  Many singles, who say they are waiting to find “Mr. or Ms. Right,” are really looking for “Mr. or Ms. Perfect.” They've established a set of standards that no human being can ever attain. We need to remember we are not marrying Jesus Christ, but another human being. That person will have qualities that we love and flaws that frustrate us, just like we do. Marriage is not a matter of getting what we want, but loving what we get!

“I need someone to make me happy.”  I always get uneasy when I hear a single say this because I know that no partner can meet this type of demand. If another person is the focus of our happiness, we will find ourselves feeling disappointed and discontent. Only an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ can bring us continuing joy and happiness. (Nehemiah 8:10; Psalm 28:7) This is equally true whether we are single or married, so you can be happy while you're still single.

“If I were married, I would feel secure, knowing I won't be deserted.”  This is an erroneous assumption. Currently the divorce rate is at 50%. But let's assume that your marriage is loving and long-lasting. No one is going to be there for you forever. Death happens to all of us and it will happen to you or your spouse. Only God will never desert you or forsake you. (Joshua 1:5)

Marriage can provide wonderful companionship, but as a single person you can be complete, have purpose and destiny, and be happy and secure. Seek intimacy with Jesus Christ. He wants to give you a fulfilled and wonderful life now.

Come join us this Sunday at 9:00 AM or 11:00 AM. Our topic is “Christlike Singles,” and is part of our current series on “Christlike Families.”